1. Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money. 2. Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.
3. Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.
5. The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.
6. Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
8. I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three...Oh crap, what was three?
9. Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself: "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"
11. The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
13. Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
14. Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.
15. They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero.
17. Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on "Baywatch."
19. Mitt Romney was a guest on "The Tonight Show" on NBC. It's interesting - you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
21. Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.
23. Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
25. They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied: "Well, I can do that."
27. Newt Gingrich has criticized "New York elites" who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
29. Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.
31. I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.
32. Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said: "Well that's nothing. I like to execute people."
34. Hillary Clinton is putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful. If she gains 10 more pounds, Bill's to start hitting on her.
36. Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
37. Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.
39. Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.
40. Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.
42. The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.
43. It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.
45. John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.
47. I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic…Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.
48. President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.
51. Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is "hair and unbalanced."
53. You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.
55. Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
57. On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?
59. Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michelle Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes SHE should tell us what to do.
61. Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.
63. How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I'm leaving 10%, that's good enough… John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house… He looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings…He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors.
65. Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.
67. Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill.
68. The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work.
70. In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama.
71. The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney.
73. We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit.
74. If I seem a little woozy, it's because I'm wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.
76. This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio.
77. Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney.
79. Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. "Lincoln" received 12 Oscar nominations. "Lincoln" also received a nomination for best hat.
81. You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian.
83. Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?
84. Has anyone seen Al Gore's Current TV? I don't mean by mistake. I mean, who's actually watched it? Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old TV network, Current TV. So it's now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called "global fleecing."
85. Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore.
87. According to the Mayan calendar, Friday is the end of the world. You know what? There is a sign of the apocalypse. The New York Knicks are in first place.
89. I went to see "Lincoln," and I think it's a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits.
91. It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.
92. Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money - say your son's having a bar mitzvah - Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for end-of-the-world parties.
94. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens.
95. For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.
97. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until the 21st with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world.
99. The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we're done. We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing.
100. On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn't it?
101. The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn't work.
103. The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang.
104. According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?
106. Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?
107. Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing.
108. Because of climate change "Frosty the Snowman" has a new name. Now he's called "Frosty the Puddle."
110. Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels.
112. Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says: "I understand there's some trouble?"
114. With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president.
115. I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them.
117. After the election, 20 states said they've got to get out. They said: "We can't take it anymore," so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We're facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.
118. Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.
120. The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.
122. According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.
123. How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me?…You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing.
125. A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife.
127. James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?
128. Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio.
130. I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills Bin Laden.
131. Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney.
133. I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney - and he seems like an upbeat guy - is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over.
135. Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me.
137. I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line.
139. Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying: "What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know".
141. Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that's great, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight's debate.
142. It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote.
144. A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.
145. They had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving.
147. Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free.
149. You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we'll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That's good news.
151. Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney's tax returns.
153. It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together.
155. Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
156. It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
158. Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
159. Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, "I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day." Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
161. There is no off position on the genius switch.
163. There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
164. I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
166. Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
168. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
171. Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
173. Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
174. Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
176. Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
177. It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
179. New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
181. No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
183. President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
185. President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
187. The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
189. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
191. We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
193. Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
195. Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
What do you think of David Letterman's jokes?
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